“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
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My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?