And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out