and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.