“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*