“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were