“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.