@YuckyTom

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

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@ristolable

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

@Chloestylo

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

@FunnyBison

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

@Marlebean

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

@maryfairybobrry

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

@OakHill_

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

@NoticablyBacon

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

@ZK_Elly

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon