“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.