and this one
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.