And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Storm Tropical Storm