“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.


Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.


Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.


That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.


Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
M: Charming?
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?


Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*


*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes


Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.


My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.


Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.