“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.