“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My work here is don’t.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year