And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Beep beep beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
Is it working yet?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]