And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
adam and eve had first world problems
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.