“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.



thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime


You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person


I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom


*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”


Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.


Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.


Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more


Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer