@robfee (At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
@mikeleffingwell “And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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@robfee 
@bestnewuser ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
@donni You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
@rn_murse I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
@liljonlovitz *mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
@mommy_cusses Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
@AmishPornStar1 Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
@AmyNoMiddleNam3 Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
@Smooheed Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
@filthspiration Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer