@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

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@robfee

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

@bestnewuser

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

@donni

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

@rn_murse

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

@liljonlovitz

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

@mommy_cusses

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

@AmishPornStar1

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

@Smooheed

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

@filthspiration

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer