“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?