(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
ayo new guy—who’re you?
“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer