Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

im gay on my mothers side

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

#catsoftwitter

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Has science gone too far?