“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
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GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”