And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
A bold strategy
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)