@pixelatedboat

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

@Shenanigans_luv

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

@GlennPriceMann

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

@thisgirlstace

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

@KarenKilgariff

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

@sofarrsogud

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

@Book_Krazy

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

@dmc1138

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

@Marcmywords2

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.