“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
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My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
this could fix me
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Do not levitate over flowers
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY