And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
*struts into the new year
~ trips
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
😬
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.