Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs