[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Thursday Thought.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.