ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
happy friday
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
translated into Canadian
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Great Canadian literature.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.