angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Wait a minute…
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary