Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Spell check is for lasers.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.