Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
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The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic