ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

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-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning


Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met


What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?


[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered


FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.


[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha