Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
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My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Go girl power!
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip