Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
This squirrel eats better than I do
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.