ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month