I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.