angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!