angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Get in loser we’re going crying
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave