angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
They must have gotten it to go.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.