[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
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It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.