Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
why would tinder want me to say this
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.