Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do