Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
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If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*