Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!