*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.