[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
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[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…