Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.