animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
You Might Also Like
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Ain’t no way
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]