Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Guy who likes music
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.