Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.


Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.


My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.


Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.


I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”


*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”


People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin


A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.


Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.