@ComradeToguro

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

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@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

@LostFelicia

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

@DamienFahey

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

@FredPollack

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

@JohnBadpuns

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@WhatevaConc

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

@a_simpl_man

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.