Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Sticker placement is key.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”