Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
kids play hide and seek like
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar