Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
You Might Also Like
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.