Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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wow
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
#CoronaOutbreak
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.