Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
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the dark web is just a goth google.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally