Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*