Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
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I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.