“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.