Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
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I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out