Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I’m being attacked 😭
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.