[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Camping tip: No.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?